Auto-generated transcript:
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. You had asked about advice on raising multiple children. I think in my experience, children are like sponges. They pick up everything from everywhere.
And as far as multiple children are concerned, the younger ones pick up from their elder siblings much faster than they pick up from their mother or father.
I don’t know, maybe it’s an age thing or something, but they pick up things from their elder siblings much faster.
Now, in most households, the eldest one gets…
the maximum attention. That’s not his fault, I mean, in that sense, all the fault of the parents.
Because there is a period of time before the second one comes where he is the only child.
So he gets all attention, he gets a lot of love and affection and so on and so on.
And then the next one and the next one.
And one of the things that happens is that the elder one then starts feeling the pain because
he finds that the total attention that he was…
that he was accustomed to is getting divided.
And it has to be divided. There’s no way that he can continue to get the same attention.
So there is some level of resentment that gets built in the heart of the oldest one.
That must be addressed.
And it’s addressed not by talking to him, but by ensuring that he is included in the raising of the younger ones.
In the role of a kind of…
of a kind of…
de facto mentor,
a de facto parent.
So this must be done subtly, but it must be done clearly.
While of course keeping an eye on…
on everyone for safety issues.
So I think that is very important. Then the…
Therefore if you have… if you create that kind of an atmosphere where the elder one now becomes a role model for the younger ones, then there is…
this goodness spreads.
Second very important thing.
Is to strongly encourage collaboration.
And to strongly discourage competition between children.
This is the most important thing that I can possibly talk about.
Because it’s…
It is the cause of…
very destructive sibling rivalry, which I have seen.
In many cases in my business consulting practice, I have people who are siblings who are at each other’s throats.
In many cases in…
in the courts, in other cases not in the courts, but you know at home and so on.
And I always point out to whoever is concerned, that…
that this didn’t begin now.
At age 40, at age 50.
It began at age 2 and age 3.
Because a typical scene you will see in the nursery or what passes for a nursery in most homes.
Is you will have one child who has a toy.
And the other one wants to come and play.
And the first one resents it and starts screaming and so on.
And the parent comes, the mother or the father, and they say, no, no, no, no, don’t…
don’t fight with the child.
Don’t fight with the child.
Don’t fight with the child.
Don’t…
don’t fight.
I will get you your own.
Now that is a fatal mistake.
Absolutely fatal mistake.
Because you are teaching them to not to share.
On the other hand, what you must do is to say, no, this toy belongs to all of you.
So share it.
And share it the way where everyone is happy with it.
Both work.
This method also works, the other method also.
But when you grow out of that, fast forward 40 years, fast forward 30 years, you do not…
you…
the difference between two siblings at each other’s throats and two siblings who are cooperating
and working together is what shows you as the end result of that.
And believe me, in my consulting…
in my business consulting, family business consulting practice, I’ve seen it all…
I have seen it and I continue to see it all the time.
People literally with millions, they will not share not one cent with their own brothers
and sisters.
I actually had one case where the father was absolutely desperate about it.
That the two brothers should love one another.
They should, you know, forget love.
I mean, love was a long way off.
At least collaborate with one another.
The situation I saw there was that the two brothers, they were tacitly encouraging disrespect
for each other with their children.
So the children of one brother would disrespect the other.
They would disrespect the other brother and there would be no comment from this brother
about that.
I mean, how evil is that?
The father was desperate.
And of course, the father was responsible for creating that situation in the first place.
I mean, they…
but you see, this is the problem.
Parents don’t recognize the evil that they create in their own homes.
But they…
that evil goes squarely into their laps because there’s no one else.
If it was good, you were responsible for it.
You got the credit for it.
So therefore, you must take the credit.
You must take the credit or the debit for the evil as well.
The parents were responsible.
But anyway, the situation was very bad.
So what I actually did was that I asked to meet the two brothers individually, separately.
And I asked both of them the same question.
I said to him that if your brother drops dead tomorrow morning, will you pray his janaza
or not?
And both of them were shocked.
They said, no, no, no, no.
How can you say that?
I said, what do you mean how can you say that?
I would just ask you a straight question.
Tomorrow your brother drops dead.
His janaza sala is there.
Will you pray or not?
He said, of course I will pray.
So I said, you are prepared to pray the janaza sala of your brother, but you are not prepared
to talk to him decently.
You are not prepared to share, you know, a little piece of whatever action you have with
him.
What kind of garbage is that?
Right?
Now, I would like to say that that broke the thing and that they lived happily ever after.
Sadly, they did not because, you know, one comment does it.
But hopefully, I am hoping that, you know, as time passes, maybe they will get some
sense.
But the point I want to make here is that you asked about how to raise multiple children.
This is where it begins.
And every single thing counts.
Believe me, as I said, children, we got to be that.
Children are like sponges.
Every drop of water will get absorbed.
And the child does not have the discretion, does not have the wisdom to distinguish between
the two.
The child will not have the wisdom to distinguish between good and evil.
So the child will take whatever is there, the child will take.
The results the child will pay for, for the rest of their lives.
And parents can sit and regret that for the rest of their life, but it won’t help.
So it is very important to make sure that children are getting the right messages throughout.
The benefit and beauty of Islam is that it gives you that advantage.
Where you can link it all back to the Seerah, you can link it back to the Sunnah, you can
link it back to the Quran, where Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala is, you know, recommending our relationship
with our parents, relationship, recommending and teaching us how to relate with parents,
how to relate with siblings.
All the usool and all the principles of dealing with neighbors.
Imagine if that is the principle with how you…
Principle about how you should deal with your neighbor.
How much more emphatically should it apply to how you deal with your own sibling.
So these are things to remember.
And finally, very importantly, to inculcate from the beginning is the willingness to seek
forgiveness and the willingness to forgive.
These are two very important things.
Without forgiveness, no relationship.
And I’m just saying.
And I’m…
There are no exceptions to that.
Not even our relationship with Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala.
Without forgiveness, no relationship can exist.
Even with Allah.
If Allah did not forgive us, there is no relationship.
Khata khalas.
We would stay in Jahannam.
But even there, Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala said, Allah will forgive.
IndaAllaha yaqfiru dhunuba jami’a.
Allah will forgive all sins.
That’s the key thing is to seek forgiveness.
The same thing with each other, with siblings, with parents, whoever.
If you have done something wrong, admit it.
Seek forgiveness.
Settle your accounts in this dunya.
Forgive each other for the sake of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala.
Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala revealed the ayat of Surat An-Nur concerning Abu Bakr Sidiq
ad-Dil Anhu where he said, don’t you want Allah to forgive you?
With regard to Mista who slandered our mother Sayyida Aisha Sidiq ad-Dil Anhu.
So even in something as evil as that, Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala said, forgive.
So think to inculcate.
And again, as I said, Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala said, forgive.
Children listen with their eyes.
They don’t care what you say until they see what you do.
So inculcate.
Values cannot be legislated.
They have to be inculcated.
You can’t say, you will not speak lies.
You will never tell a lie.
You should never tell.
All they should doesn’t work.
They must see you speaking the truth.
They must see you speaking the truth in times of stress, in times of where you’re paying
a price for speaking that truth.
So inculcate.
And again, as I said before, children listen with their eyes.
They don’t care what you say until they see what you say.
You nothing but talk to folks.
Also, children listen with their eyes.
What my� 좀 well said is, ask well, what you want me to communicate?
When you come home, Pand awarded you 50,000 tracts, 300,000ams.
All Congress”.
Even after the bribe, rape, Hellish als stand.
1% affair of rape, all childhange.
All of this is true.
They’re just roses in the sky, child.
They’re children.
They’re innocent children.
They are innocent children.
It’s teaches to learn.
иной
From all that,
the level of academy views are not that much.
This is because during the countryretenism by thegren判ar in one administration,
single citizens were allowed to relate,
Forget that.
I’m not blaming you, but I’m saying that, you know,
you’re so involved in your own work and this and that
and raising children and whatnot.
There’s no time.
But remember, if you have a child,
you are under 24-7 surveillance.
Every single thing you say and do,
every expression on the face,
everything counts.
Every single thing counts.
And it’s very good to remember that.
And also, it’s very good to remember that
if you do make a mistake,
and you will make a mistake,
we are all human,
then immediately apologize,
make amends.
Because that itself is a teaching
in terms of what to do,
how to recover from mistakes.
And mistake recovery sometimes in customer service,
we say that it’s good mistake recovery
is more effective in creating loyal customers,
than doing the thing the right way in the first place.
Because when you do the thing the right way in the first place,
people, many people take it for granted as,
okay, this is my right.
But if you make a mistake,
and I’m not saying you do that deliberately,
but I’m saying if you make a mistake,
and the recovery is done well,
then people, that stands out in their memory.
Oh my God, these people,
there’s something was done wrong,
but then see how good they recovered from that.
So that’s what stands out in the mind.
So I think this is what I would like to say.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
Grant us and enable us to
fulfill our responsibility as parents.
If Allah gave us children,
it’s not just as playthings,
this is a huge responsibility on the parents.
This is what makes you deserve the Jannah under your feet,
and the door of Jannah for the father.
So it’s something to think and work on.
So Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
we’ll carry on.
Wassalamualaikum.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
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