Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:38 — 14.1MB) | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | Email | Youtube Music | RSS
Marriage Advice 3×3
Do you want to remain happily married?
Then don’t do 3 things and do 3 things:
DON’T:
1. COLLECT GARBAGE: Have a selective memory. Remember only good and forget all bad. Garbage always stinks and only you will smell it.
2. TRY TO MOULD, CHANGE OR SCULPT: If you didn’t like what you saw, why did you marry? If you liked what you saw, why do you want to change it? Your spouse is not a rock, a lump of clay or a patient in your hospital. They didn’t marry you to be changed. So change yourself to like them.
3. CRITICIZE: Nagging never works. If they wanted a nag he’d have married a horse. Forgive and seek forgiveness. Nothing works like SORRY. Do you want Allah to forgive you? Then forgive your spouse and thank them for giving you so much practice.
DO:
1. LAUGH: Always at yourself and with others. A sense of humor is like air. You need it to remain alive. Laugh especially when you’re having problems. Laugh at yourself for marrying someone so irritating…and you thought you were clever. And laugh because she was stupid enough to marry you. Couples who can laugh together, stay together.
2. THANK: Thank your spouse because there’s no thanking Allah without thanking the people. So thank them for all the so-called small things. You will know the value of those small things when they are not there.
3. SHOW YOUR LOVE: Demonstrate your affection. They’re not mind readers. Even if they are, they like to see it. So show it. And do that at least three times a day. I’ve been married 40 years and at least I’m happy, so I should know.
Last two as a bonus: Say yes as much as possible. Say no only to things which are against the Shariah. Smile a lot. Keep your mouth shut especially if you’re angry. And remember that perfect happiness is only in Jannah.
Finally: Give her your cheque book. Tell her it’s hers to manage. If she spends it all you’ll both fast until next pay day. If she needs more money she should ask Allahﷻ for it in Tahajjud. Make her the authorized signatory in the bank. And live happily ever after.
Parting shot: All of the above applies equally to both spice …my plural of spouse. That’s why they call marriage the spice of life.
They don’t? Well, they should.
Auto-generated transcript:
In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful. All praise belongs to Allah, Lord of the worlds.
And peace and blessings be upon the honourable prophets and messengers.
Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and upon his family and companions.
Peace be upon him, and upon his family and companions.
I want to begin by a very beautiful story about Shaqeeq al-Balqay.
One of the great scholars of Islam, he was a student of Ibrahim Adam,
as well as he benefited from the teachings and sohbat of Jafar as-Sadiq.
And Shaqeeq al-Balqay says to his wife,
if the whole of Balq supports me, and you do not support me, then I will fail.
If the whole of Balq supports me, but you don’t support me, I will fail.
And I cannot succeed without your support.
My brothers and sisters, Alhamdulillah, I have been married for 40 years.
So, I speak from experience.
I have a formula for people who are married, and people who want to get married,
and people who want to stay married.
If you are not married,
and you don’t want to get married, then good, all power to you, you are sensible.
But if you want to get married, if you are married and you want to break up,
then you can leave now, most welcome.
Whatever you are doing is good, keep doing it, you will break up.
But if you want to be married, or you are married, and you want to stay married, then listen.
I call this three by three.
Do three things, and don’t do three things.
Do three things, and do not do three things.
Now, we start with a don’t.
Number one, I say don’t collect garbage.
Right?
Do not collect garbage.
Have a selective memory.
Remember only good, and forget the bad.
Let me assure you, one thing which I can tell you with compassion,
and with complete certainty,
there is nobody in the world, no man, no woman,
who will never give grief to the other one.
Never.
Including Rasulullah , his wives, our mothers, may Allah be pleased with them,
gave him so much trouble that Allah revealed Quran about this.
Ayat of Surah Al-Hizab.
Rasulullah separated himself for one month.
Rasulullah separated himself for one month.
And Allah revealed Quran.
And Allah said very clearly, if you don’t want to stay with my Nabi,
I will ask him to divorce all of you in a nice way, and I will give him better than you.
So if your wife is giving you trouble, good luck.
If the wife of Rasulullah gave him trouble, who are you?
Right?
And vice versa, same thing.
Don’t think that men are free from, men give enough trouble to their wives also.
They are free from all the other things.
They are free from all the other things.
They are free from all the other things.
They are free from all the other things.
So remember the good, forget the bad.
So remember the good, forget the bad.
Why?
Because garbage only stinks.
And only you will smell it.
Because you are collecting it.
The other person doesn’t even know.
The other person doesn’t even know.
Number one, not to do.
Number two, don’t try to change them.
Number two, don’t try to change them.
This is a very, very big problem.
Both with men and women.
What is the problem?
You marry somebody because you like them.
Because my first question is, if you did not like them, why did you marry them?
You are not a correctional institute.
Are you a correctional institute?
You are not.
You married the woman or you married the man because you liked him.
Leave him alone.
Leave her alone.
If you did not like the person, why did you marry them?
Are you stupid or what?
So, if you have a brain and you marry them because you like them, leave them alone.
Don’t try to change them.
Your spouse is not a lump of clay for you to mold.
He’s not a rock for you to chip and sculpt.
He’s not a, she or he is not a can of paint for you to go and paint.
They didn’t marry you to be changed.
Right?
Is it, look at your marriage contract.
Did your wife say, I am marrying you so that you can change me?
Or did you write for your wife, I am marrying you so that you can change me?
There’s no contract.
You’re not a psychiatrist.
Your wife is not a mental case and you’re not a mental case, she’s not a psychiatrist.
Don’t try to change them.
They did not marry to be changed.
If you don’t like what’s happening, change yourself.
So change yourself.
Keep reminding yourself.
I married you.
I married this woman.
I married this man because I like them.
Those qualities are still there.
Alhamdulillah.
Stay with that.
Three, do not criticize.
Don’t criticize.
I have a rule in my marriage which worked very well, which is the only thing that I
will criticize is if my wife does something against the Sharia.
Nothing else.
And she has the same with me.
Anything against the Sharia, if she for example, if she’s supposed to pray, she doesn’t pray,
I will tell her.
Alhamdulillah, 40 years, I never had to say anything because she never does anything against
the Sharia.
Everything else, Alhamdulillah, Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala gave her the freedom.
Who are you to stop?
If she wants to wear certain clothes, as long as she’s not going around in a miniskirt,
I mean, it’s an issue of Sharia.
But if she wants to wear certain, Alhamdulillah.
How do I look?
Beautiful.
Mashallah.
She wants to go somewhere most welcome.
The day we got married, we came home.
After that, I told my wife, here is the, I took her to the bank.
Those days, you know, you had to physically sign checks.
I took her to the bank.
I made her co-signatory.
I gave her the passbook.
I said, here’s the passbook.
Here is the, you can see how much money we have in the bank.
It is yours.
I am not going to every month give you some spending money.
This is nafkah.
Nafkah is part of the, of the husband.
Husband is supposed to give the wife nafkah.
Nafkah is not spending money in the house.
Nafkah is money for her to spend wherever she wants, however she wants, without your
permission, without telling him.
She can take that money and she can give it to her cat, her dog, her parents, a friend,
whoever.
She can throw it in the ditch.
No problem.
That’s her money.
Running the house is separate money you have to give her.
So I told my wife, I don’t have time to do that.
I don’t have time to do all these calculations.
Here is the money, entire bank account.
Do what you want.
She said, if I spend the whole thing, I said, please, no problem.
Do spend the whole thing.
Then for the, until my next salary comes next month, we will fast.
Right?
Because that’s all we have.
So we have no money, no food.
So we have to fast till I get my salary.
Alhamdulillah, till today that arrangement works very well.
I don’t have to, I have no, I have, people ask me, I have, I have zero financial problems.
I never have a financial argument with my wife because there is nothing to argue about.
Make your life, make your life simple.
Don’t criticize.
Don’t nag.
If she, if she wanted, if she wanted to nag, she would have married a horse.
She wouldn’t have married you.
Right?
Don’t nag.
Then if anything happens, say sorry.
Things will happen.
I mean, you might get angry.
You might say something.
Again, please control your tongue.
Especially I’ve seen children in this country, bolla.
I know some, I know some, some creative language.
I have words in Urdu, in Tamil, in Telugu, in English.
And I don’t want to say all these now because it’ll burn your hair off.
But the point I’m saying is don’t say them to your wife.
Very, very important.
Keep your tongue clean.
Just think about this.
We recite the Quran with this tongue.
You use, you want to use bad word, bad language with this tongue?
The same tongue with which you recite Quran?
How evil is that?
And if you use, you know, cursing your wife or cursing your husband is like spitting at the sun.
It falls in your face.
It falls in your face.
I don’t want to use the word.
But if I call my wife some name, I’m calling the name myself.
Because I’m the husband of that.
Whatever I called her.
How nice is that?
How nice is that?
You called her something, you are the husband of that.
I mean, that is the most despicable, miserable, horrible, you know, terrible thing to do.
Never, never, never use bad language.
If you have used, which you might have used because this is this country.
So no, no control on the tongue.
Apologize.
Grovel, fall at the feet and say, I’m extremely, extremely sorry.
Beware of the dua of the pious woman.
Wallahi, if she raises her hands, Allah will destroy you.
Because there is nothing between her and her Rab Jalal Jalal.
She is helpless before you.
Because you are a big, strong man.
So what does she do?
She goes to your creator.
She says, Allah, he’s oppressing me.
You sort him out.
Allah will destroy you.
Don’t play games.
Be nice.
Be kind.
The Quran tells you, cover her in kindness.
Clothe her in kindness.
Many times people come to me.
They say, Shafiz, please tell me.
Shafiz, please tell my wife, what are my rights?
The woman comes, please tell my husband, what are my rights?
So my question to them is, is this a court of law?
Are you two people filing a case against each other?
We talk about rights in that situation.
What do you mean rights?
So that’s why I tell people, focus on your duties.
Forget about your rights.
Right?
Focus on your duties.
Are you fulfilling your duties?
Forget about the rights.
Because what happens is, if I fulfill my duties to my wife, and she fulfills her duties to
me, automatically our rights are fulfilled.
Because my duties are her rights, her duties are my rights.
Right?
So if I focus on what is my duty, I do my duty.
She says, what is my duty?
She does her duty.
Alhamdulillah, both of us are happy.
Forget about rights.
Because you will not be questioned about your rights.
You will be questioned about your duties.
When you stand before Allah, you will be questioned about your rights.
You will be questioned about your duties.
When you stand before Allah, Allah will say, did you fulfill the duties?
He won’t say, did you fulfill the rights?
No.
Rights is what you are supposed to get.
Duties are what you are supposed to give.
Focus on the duties.
Don’t talk about that.
If you do something wrong, say sorry.
Don’t wait.
Apologize.
And thank.
Thank.
Continuously thank.
Especially now, speaking to the men, think about this.
The woman leaves her home.
She leaves her family.
She leaves the environment in which she was raised.
She leaves all the people who loved her and who brought her up and all that.
And she comes to your house.
You are a stranger.
She allows you into her body which she never allowed anybody else before that.
She allows you to touch her and she allows you to do with her which nobody else has done.
She gives you a chance to do the most amazing thing in your life.
And you think that’s easy?
You think that’s easy?
You think you are a stranger?
You need to fall in sujood and thank Allah , because of you.
Because you gave me this woman.
Otherwise, what would you do?
If no one marries you, Islam does not give you the right to go and fornicate.
If you did that, you would burn in Jannah.
She is keeping you from Jannah.
She is keeping you from Jannah.
She is keeping you from Jannah.
She is keeping you away from Jahannam.
Every day, wake up in the morning, go and thank her, Alhamdulillah, Jazakallah khair
for being my wife.
May Allah bless you for being my wife.
Now what must you do?
So three things you should not do.
Number one, don’t collect garbage.
Number two, don’t try to change.
Don’t try to mold.
Number three, don’t criticize.
What to do?
Laugh.
A good sense of humor.
Laugh together, joke together, go and do nice stuff together, whatever you like, whichever
you like, go and do stuff together.
You know, have fun.
You see, people who, couples who play together, they stay together.
Who pray together, stay together.
Make this into a habit, pray together.
Wake up for tahajjud and wake up your husband.
The woman, wake up your tahajjud, wake up your husband.
The hadith of the Prophet , he said, Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala loves the man who
wakes up for tahajjud and wakes up his wife.
And Allah loves the woman who wakes up for tahajjud and wakes up her husband.
Make this into your habit, right?
Laugh and have fun together.
Number two.
I said this before, I’m saying it again.
Thank.
Consciously thank.
We criticize.
If the food is not good, or the food is not good, too much salt, too much sugar, when
the food is good, what do you do?
Even if the food is not good one day, she made good food for you, 364 days of the year,
one day she does something, something wrong happens and you have a comment to make.
What about the 364 days?
Thank.
Right?
All right?
So always, always thank.
And you know, sometimes you think, how many times do I say thank you?
Does she not know?
Does he not know?
My question is, does Allah not know?
Then why did Allah say, la in shakar tum la zidannakoo?
The one who thanks me, I will increase the blessing.
Wa la in kafar tum inna a’adha bilashadidannakoo.
The one who is ungrateful, I will let him be aware of my punishment.
Be aware of my punishment.
Why is Allah saying that?
Allah knows what’s in your heart, no?
Why is Allah saying that?
Thanking is about you.
It’s not about whether the other person knows or does not know.
It’s your job to thank.
Say, alhamdulillah, jazakallah khair, thank you very much.
Say it again and again and again and show this thank.
That is the third one.
Show this, demonstrate your affection.
Right?
Your wife or husband is not a mind reader.
Even if they are mind readers, you tell them.
Go hug them, kiss them.
Rasool Allah used to kiss his wife.
Rasool Allah used to kiss his wife.
So how come you don’t kiss your wife?
Every day, many times a day.
Go sit with them together, be together, have fun together.
Right?
Show this.
Then last two bonus.
Say yes as much as possible.
Say no only to things which are against the Sharia.
Right?
Very, very important.
Last of all, all of this applies, as I mentioned before, to both parties.
It is not only for the husband or the wife, both parties.
So practice it.
Marriages are not made in heaven.
They say marriages are made in heaven.
No, no, no.
They are made here, in your house.
And Allah gave it in our hands.
We can have a marriage in heaven.
We can have a marriage in heaven.
We can have a marriage in heaven.
We can have a marriage in heaven.
We can have a marriage in heaven.
And in your house, you can have a marriage which will be the most beautiful thing that
you have ever done in your life.
And you will live a beautiful life.
You will have beautiful children.
You will have wonderful memories.
Or your life will become a living Jahannam here.
Living hell in this life.
Choice is yours.
What you want that to happen is in your hands.
Aqoolu qawli hadha astaghfirullahi wa laikum wa li isaayi al muslimeen fastaghfirun.
Inna wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
yinna wa huwa l-ghafur raheem