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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. All praise belongs to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. And peace and blessings be upon the honor of the prophets and messengers.
Muhammad, the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and upon his family and companions, peace and blessings be upon him, and upon many, many.
Today I thought let me quickly share with you some thoughts and then request Sheikh Abdullah to speak to you.
In that context, I want to talk to you about, there were a bunch, even now it’s there, but there was a philosophy called Stoicism.
So the people who followed that and believed in that and lived by it were called the Stoics.
S-T-O-I-C.
And it’s something very worth studying and worth thinking about.
This was roughly about 2000 years or something ago.
That’s when it seems to have started.
And among the many, many very famous people in history who were Stoics,
and one of the very famous ones was Marcus Aurelius, who was one of the Caesars of Rome.
So a very famous Stoic philosopher.
The thing about Stoicism,
especially the reason I’m saying, I’m talking about Stoicism,
because Stoicism is something which seems very close to Islam and to some of the principles of the Quran.
So I’m not saying that the Stoics were Muslims,
Allah knows best from whatever we have records of, I don’t think they were Muslims.
But irrespective of that, they had some very wonderful wisdom, which we can all learn from.
So here are some,
of those principles.
First of all,
first one he says is,
safeguard your innermost anxieties and doubts.
Safeguard your innermost anxieties and doubts.
Voicing intimate struggles can undermine resilience.
And resilience is the ability to recover from loss.
The ability to struggle with, you know, especially emotional things and to come back.
He says to make these things public.
Now, just think about this in the context today of social media.
Think about what people post on Facebook, for example, or what people post on, especially Facebook.
Instagram is not that much of this stuff, but especially Facebook.
People really sort of pour out their hearts on Facebook.
The Stoics say that this is the most damaging thing to do.
They say never, never do that.
Your innermost thoughts and your innermost anxiety,
your innermost anxieties and doubts, believe me, everybody has it.
First and foremost thing I want to say to you guys is,
you might think that, oh, you know, we are teenagers, we are in college,
we are in high school or whatever, middle school,
and we are all kinds of thoughts and, you know, feelings and counterfeelings and,
you know, all sorts of things and anxieties and fears.
So believe me, this is not, join the club.
Literally join the club.
Everybody has it.
So, believe me, this is not, join the club. Literally join the club. Everybody has it.
Everyone and his grandmother has it.
The only thing which differs is the kind of doubts.
Some people have some kinds of doubts.
Others have other kinds of doubts, right?
I am 70 years old at this age.
I’m at the top of my profession in terms of business consulting.
I don’t consider my Islamic thing to be a profession,
but alhamdulillah, I have an international standing there also.
But every time I stand in front, I stand on the mimbar,
I stand on the mimbar, I stand on the mimbar,
every time I stand in front of people to talk to them,
every time I lead two rak’at of salah,
there is doubt in my heart.
Not doubt about Allah, but doubt about,
can I do this job properly or not?
Will I make mistakes?
Will I say something which might not be beneficial?
Will I say something with the best intention, right?
But it has a different effect on somebody else.
Maybe it raises a doubt, right?
Maybe it raises a doubt, right?
Maybe it raises a doubt, right?
But it starts to reach out in the mind of that person,
or maybe it causes that person to think something contrary to what I am trying to help them
understand.
And you know, may Allah have mercy on me, then I will feel responsible because of me,
this guy, he went away from here, but he came here, okay, he went away from here with a
doubt.
This is because of me.
So, everybody has doubt.
So, the Stoics say, don’t publicize that.
Now you might say, well, I won’t publicize that.
And what should I do?
What shall I do?
Just sit with that?
Cook with that?
No.
You can and if you want, you should say it to somebody who is wiser, somebody who can
handle that, somebody who can advise you in private.
Right?
So, I’m not saying you sit on the doubt and go into some depression or something.
No.
Talk about it, but not to everyone.
Not publicly.
Definitely not on social media.
Absolutely without a doubt.
And also not generally speaking.
In some circle, I’m gathering, no.
Specifically, maybe your parents, maybe a trusted teacher or somebody like that.
Maybe even a friend, but somebody who is wiser.
There’s usually not much point in talking to somebody who is just like you, your age,
your group.
Not because anything wrong with them.
But the fact is, you’re not going to be able to do that.
The fact is that effectively, they probably have the same level of experience as you have
and that they might not be able to help you.
But sometimes even there you find somebody who has some better worldview and wisdom,
you can tell them.
But usually, so talk to someone who is wise, who cares for you.
Very important.
That’s another very important thing.
You should talk to someone who cares for you.
Not someone who will listen to that and take that and next thing you know, this is now,
it’s gone on BBC.
BBC or something, the whole world knows.
You know what this was happening to you, sir?
I thought I told you this in confidence.
It’s very important.
People, for them, this is a career.
Like you want to tell someone something, you tell it to that person and it’s gone.
The whole world knows.
Right?
Sayyidina Omar ibn al-Khattab, when he accepted Islam, he wanted people to know.
So there was one guy in Mecca who was known for this.
So he, Sayyidina Omar called him.
And he said to him, don’t tell anybody, but I have accepted Islam.
He, you know, he jerked his hand out of his hand.
He ran and he shouted.
Now Sayyidina Omar did that deliberately.
He said, this is the best way of telling the whole world is tell this one guy and he will
do the job for you.
So be very careful who you talk to.
So talk to somebody who will help you, but not the whole world.
And definitely not.
Don’t publish.
Don’t criticize it.
And very interesting thing.
He said, this, the Stoics say, voicing intimate struggles can undermine resilience.
Now think about that.
If, if I’m going through some, you know, emotional issue.
Now I want to beat that.
I want to fight against that.
I want to, you know, win over that.
But if I tell everybody, it actually subverts that.
It sabotages that effort.
Right?
So you’re not helping people.
You’re not only not helping yourself.
You’re actually harming yourself.
Second one.
Uh, he says, they said, keep bodily functions and health conditions confidential.
Preserve dignity by avoiding overexposure.
There are people, especially may Allah have mercy, older people whose entire conversation
is at this morning.
Was I constipated or could I go to the toilet properly?
Okay.
You know, since it begins with that, I had a good motion.
Excuse me.
You had a good motion.
Good.
Keep it, keep it to yourself.
I don’t want to know, you know, whether you have a good motion or not.
What, what color was it?
You know, what, what consistency, you know, was it like toothpaste or was it like Coca-Cola?
I mean, for gods, for gods, like why are you telling me all this?
I don’t know what, I don’t want to know, but then I’ve been, especially old people, by
God, I mean, you sit with an old person.
Oh my, is there an entire, no, isn’t it?
I mean, there’s a lot of people.
I mean, there’s an entire sort of health history they tell you, right?
So don’t do that.
Don’t tell anybody.
If you have a physical problem, first and foremost, go to the doctor.
Tell somebody where it’s of use.
Go to the doctor, tell the doctor, get your medicine and whatnot and go home.
If it is that, then maybe, you know, you say it to your spouse or you say it to your parents
or something.
Other than that, keep your bodily functions and health.
Keep your confidential and preserve your dignity.
Third one, he says, very, very important, maintain secrecy around financial status.
Maintain secrecy around financial status.
Self-worth stems from within, not from material assets.
You know, sometimes that’s why I say, when you listen to these things, they are so close
to Islam.
Whereas in the world today we live, this is the opposite of that.
You know what my net worth is?
You know what this is?
People in this country especially, you know what I paid for these shoes?
I mean, what kind of…
So-and-so is wearing a $50,000 watch.
He gave his wife to…
I mean, why are you telling him all this?
I mean, who wants to know?
But this is the culture, unfortunately, you know.
Talk about money, money, money the whole time.
They are saying maintain secrecy.
Whatever your finances are, if you are rich, keep your mouth shut.
If you are poor, keep your mouth shut.
Don’t tell anybody.
None of their business, none of your business to tell them.
He says privacy nurtures profound…
No, self-worth stems from within.
So your self-worth, again here, if you look at it,
self-worth we seek from the outside.
What do people say?
People must say nice things about me.
People must say nice things about me.
If a teacher criticizes me, it’s a major problem.
Then you go to fight with the teacher.
How did you criticize my child?
Parents do that.
The teacher criticizes your child because your child needed criticism.
Your child needed to be told off.
Your child needed to be told that,
look, you said you would do something, you have not done it.
You know.
Oh, no, no, but I had this work, that work.
Everybody has work.
When you make a commitment,
when you made the commitment,
you say no, you said I will do it.
So, self-worth is not from outside.
So whether it is external praise of people
or whether it is the kind of clothes I wear,
the kind of car I drive,
what is the message here?
Your clothes are, they say that this is what,
you are what you wear.
How can it be what you wear?
If I put my clothes on a mannequin,
is that,
I put my, my top on a mannequin,
on a stand,
and I say that is Sheikh Yawar.
That’s a stand with a,
with a, with a,
with a top on it, right?
So am I a stand with a top on it?
So the point is,
self-worth is from inside.
It’s not from the outside, it’s not your clothes,
it’s not your kind of watch,
it’s not your phone, it’s not your car, it’s not your house.
So inside self-worth comes from character.
It comes from knowledge.
What do I know? What is my character?
Am I a truthful person or not?
Do I lie? Do I cheat?
Those are the things to look at.
Right? It’s not a question of saying,
you know, some day so and so said something
which I didn’t like.
That doesn’t determine anything.
Even the Prophet Muhammad
peace be upon him and Rasulullah
even he said things which some people didn’t like.
I mean he had enemies, didn’t he?
Did he not have enemies? Why did he have enemies?
Because they did not like him.
They did not like something he said.
But what he said, was it character or not?
Did he lie? No, he didn’t lie.
Did he cheat? No. Did he deceive anybody? No.
So,
the key thing is,
self-worth comes from inside.
It is your character.
It’s your knowledge, it’s your abilities.
It’s how you help people.
It’s your compassion, it’s your kindness.
That determines self-worth.
That determines the external,
whatever external stuff there is.
Fourth one is very important.
It’s exercise discretion.
That is, again,
keep it to yourself.
Exercise discretion in romantic relationships.
Your spouse,
what you say to your wife,
what you say to your husband
is between the wife and the husband.
It must not go out of the house.
Must not even go to the children.
Definitely
must not go to each other’s families.
I have seen,
I do a lot of marriage counseling, as you guys know.
Right?
I hope none of you ever have to come to me for that.
Seriously, I tell you.
Majority of the problems,
you know what is the root cause
of marital problems?
Is talking about that
to your parents.
When you get married,
you get married, why?
Because you are an adult, right?
Why we don’t get married? No.
So, adult.
If you are an adult, you get married,
deal with your problems.
Don’t pick up the phone,
don’t go and tell your mom,
you know mom, this is what my husband is telling me.
What?
Then why did you get married?
Same thing with the man.
Don’t tell your mother
or somebody else or your friend or something,
my wife is like this.
It’s a shameful thing.
Same for a husband to complain
about his wife to anyone else.
Very shameful. Disgusting,
degrading thing. And same, likewise,
for the wife to complain about her
husband to somebody else. No.
It is between the two of you, keep it there.
Resolve it.
If it gets to a point
or if it is something which
you really think you cannot handle,
just the two of you, then go to a trusted
counselor, whoever that
counselor might be.
Could be a parent, but usually that’s
not a good idea. Go to a third party
who is not an interested
party in either of this. So go to
a counselor, go to an imam, go to
whoever is capable of that.
Then go and tell them, sit with
them, resolve it,
and go home. But don’t talk
about that
in public.
And the last one, protect
your candid self
reflections. Inner growth
requires space
safe from judgment.
That’s a beautiful thing.
Your own reflections, your own thoughts
and so on, again, don’t tell
the world about it. Because internal
growth requires
space. Because we don’t
always go in a straight line up.
Sometimes you go this way, and then you deviate
and then you come back from somewhere.
Many of the
people who have
been people of great faith
and known in the
world as people of
unshakable faith in God
unshakable faith in Allah
people who were
very wise,
if you trace their life,
there were times when they went through
enormous doubts.
Sometimes even
bordering on almost being out of
the faith. And then they
came back. Now you don’t
want to publicize those things.
There’s no value in that.
And apart from some gossip value for
people’s sort of
party conversation. So keep
your inner struggles, whatever
those candid self reflections are,
whether it’s in religion,
whether it’s in politics, whether it’s emotions,
whether it’s anything else. Keep
it to yourself. One of the
things which I practice
and I also recommend
is to keep a journal.
Journal writing is
a fantastic thing. Keep a journal.
And in that journal you
write down, this is what I
am thinking, this is how I thought,
this is what I’m going through. And then you
say what changes happened and so on and so on.
Journalize that.
And then you reflect on the journal.
You look at the journal. It helps
you to expand those
thoughts and do that. But internally.
Don’t share that with anybody else.
Having said that, maybe
if you have a mentor, for example,
then with that mentor alone,
not anybody else, with that mentor alone,
you might want to, and depending on what
the thoughts and so on are, you might
want to share those inner reflections
with that mentor, which
inshaAllah is something which
can be beneficial. Right?
Wa sallallahu ala nabiyyil kareem wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajmain
bi rahmatika ya arhawar rahimeen
wa alhamdulillah ya rabbil alameen